Reflective essay: a lesson for perfectionists

     A slight ache is running through my head, probably because the bus is trembling so much. Between the curtains the vast greens come to my eyes. This bus is heading for Gwangju, South Korea, where I will participate in a debate competition. I don’t feel that anxious—I’d rather say that I am eager see how far I could go. During the last few months I went through many special experiences. With my friends I participated in soccer matches, debate competitions and even went to Guam for a mock trial tournament. I wouldn’t have had the chance if I didn’t come to KMLA, since in ordinary public schools I would devote my time solely for school exams. And looking back, I find that I also went through many hardships, and overcame, a story of a little perfectionist finding out his limits.

These days, I feel like I have somehow reached my limits. Too tired and too exhausted I can’t really “think.” It feels like I have been living unconsciously for the past few days. And today, the stress level had hit the apex because of today’s debate, where I was totally humiliated and self-esteem shattered.

     I really wanted to become a better debater and a fluent English speaker. Many times I feel like I can actually do that buy whenever I stand in front of the podium and face the judges, Wayne and the seniors, I start to stumble in my speech. I get repetitive and lose sharpness, which is crucial for debating. Today, it was even worse. I prepared for the motion and set up some points, but just before the debate our team’s senior came and told me that I should change them. The two arguments were too weak and irrelevant. Listening to her, I agreed so I tried to modify them. However, the debate started soon and I was the leader of opposition, my turn came fast. I had to think of rebuttals and the definitional challenge but the problem was that I couldn’t even organize my own points. The result was awful. I got stuck right in the middle of the speech, just by myself, and couldn’t fulfill any of the duties as a LO. The comments were harsh and I felt abject. I really wanted to give up. All of the comments looked as if they were criticizing me …

     This is a piece of writing that I scribbled in May. Even today, my lack of fluency in English is a taunting limit. Back then, it seemed impossible to overcome, for I was given too little time. I entered debate competitions starting from this year, which means I had no time to learn and get better. Such situations made me fall down, devastated. I started to give up. People say, “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” but I felt I didn’t have any measures at all.

     If I had given up at that moment, I won’t be here riding this bus. Facing my limits, I chose to loosen myself. This doesn’t mean that I strived so hard and did something special to dramatically overcome my hardships. To a certain extent, it can be said that I actually gave up. I gave up to force myself do become a perfectionist. I gave up to blame myself being so powerless, incomplete and even useless. And I chose to let myself to be “myself,” believing that I can start up from the bottom. Day by day, I improved, which was possible as I didn’t have the “perfection” paradigm stuck in my head. From this series of experiences, I learned a simple, yet important lesson that limits do not define me; I define my limits.